A cutters Blood
by key of darkness
Summary: This is a DARK fic people... and its the prequel to FOward Thinker...


Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. I wish they did, but they don't so I'll just have to put up with borrowing them.

WARNING: This is a very DARK fic. Justin is a cutter and is very depressed over things that have happened in his life. There may be slash, I don't know yet.

Authors note: I am having a bad day today and I am trying to get my feelings out into words. This is an almost direct refection of what I am going through right now.

Authors note 2: the song is In the End by Linkin Park.

Justin's Authors Note: She started this a while ago to get through some stuff; she's just finishing it off now. It's something that needs to be done.

Key of Darkness: What he said. This is not written as if I would do this, but I needed to get this idea down on paper.

Justin looked at himself in the mirror. He saw the tear tracks down his face, the pale cheeks and the mused up hair. He hated it. He slammed his fist down on the bench as more tears fell. He hated himself. For being weak, for being small, for being smart, for being who he was. He tried so hard to be everything everyone wanted him to be.

It starts with

**One thing, I don't know why**

**It doesn't even matter how hard you try**

**Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme**

**To explain in due time**

He tried so hard, and gave up so many dreams, to be what everyone wanted him to be. But it wasn't him. What they were making him into was something completely alien to what he was and what he had learned with his friends. He didn't want to be what they wanted, but he did it anyway, just to keep people happy.

"I hate this…" He whispered to himself. "I hate this. I hate this! I HATE THIS!" He screamed and slammed his fists into the glass of the mirror. It shattered, glass shards flying outwards, burring themselves into his hands and arms. He watched the blood flow from the cuts with fascination. He picked the small bits of glass out from his hands and watched the blood flow quicker. It splashed down onto the floor, dark red on pure white tiles.

**All I know**

**Time is a valuable thing**

**Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings**

**Watch it count down to the end of the day**

**The clock ticks life away**

He went into his room and sat cross legged on the floor, still picking the glass from his bloody hands. He watched as the blood trickled down his arm and onto the carpet.

"Shit…"

He grabbed a towel and lay it down in front of him before he continued, still fascinated by the flow of blood. He picked out the last piece of glass and sat staring at his hands. He marvelled at the way his body could survive just by having this stuff pumped around it.

**It's so unreal**

**Didn't look out below**

**Watch the time go right out the window**

**Trying to hold on, but didn't even know**

**Wasted it all just to**

**Watch you go**

He began to feel dizzy and he wrapped the towel around his hands and walked down stairs. He knew that he had lost too much of the blood that sustained him. He grabbed the phone off the hanger and hit a number on auto-dial. It rang.

"Hello? Carlos here."

"Los… It's Justin. I'm at home… help m…" He fainted.

Justin winced. It was far too bright. He opened his eyes to slits and winced, shutting his eyes almost instantly.

"Justin? Come on Justin, open your eyes, buddy. Open your eyes." He knew the voice, but it was so far away and fuzzy that he couldn't figure out who it was.

He groaned, letting whoever was there know he was awake.

**I kept everything and even though I tried**

**It all fell apart**

**What it meant to me**

**Will eventually**

**Be a memory**

**Of a time when**

"Justin. Come on, open your eyes. Come on buddy. Please, just open your eyes."

**I tried so hard**

**And got so far**

**But in the end**

**It doesn't even matter**

**I had to fall**

**And lose it all**

**But in the end**

**It doesn't even matter**

"Don't' want to… It hurts… don't want to…" He whimpered. He tried to turn his head towards the person who was talking to him, but he was to tiered to move.

He felt a hand running through his hair. "Hush, it's okay now."

Finally he recognised the voice. It was Carlos. "Los… What… Where… where am I…I want to go home…. I want to go home…"

"It's alright now. Hush now. Ssshhhh." He felt a kiss placed on his forehead as he closed his eyes and welcomed the blackness to wash over him again.

It was dark when he next opened his eyes. It was still hard to see and he still had no idea where he was. He tried to sit up, but he couldn't. He was to weak and even thinking about moving made him tiered. He looked around as much as he could without moving his head. It hurt so much…

Something moved beside him.

"Carlos?" he asked his voice quiet from the lack of use. A hand covered his own and he relaxed.

"I'm here Justin. I'm here."

"Where am I?"

"In the hospital." Carlos's face swam into view. "You almost bled to death. What happened?" Carlos's voice was soft and gentle. It soothed away all the worries that Justin had in his mind.

"I smashed the mirror and I cut myself…"

"Well isn't that the understatement of the century…"

"Well isn't that the understatement of the century." Carlos stood before his boyfriend, looking down at him with eyes that conveyed caring and concern. He threw up his arms and sighed. "Why the hell are you cutting yourself Justin? I come in here to find you lying in a pool of blood for the second time in three months! You come home after being in hospital and you starting cutting yourself deliberately. You are lucky you didn't lose too much blood this time!"

Justin looked away from him and studied the bandage that Carlos had wrapped around his arm. "Don't know why I did it…"

"There has got to be a reason Justin."

"There's none…"

"Justin!"

"THERE"S NO RESON AND IF THERE WAS I WOULDN"T TELL YOU!" he shouted. Carlos drew back, stung by Justin's words. "I…I've lost everything…"

**I tried so hard**

**And got so far**

**But in the end**

**It doesn't even matter**

**I had to fall**

**And lose it all**

**But in the end**

**It doesn't even matter**

"You haven't lost me."

"You're different."

"How?"

Justin was silent. "I want control over my life 'Los. I don't have any. I guess cutting gives me the power to take my life in my own hands. And with you being different, you are. You always have been. I love you… but this… I just have to have control. There is only…"

"You have control Justin."

"It doesn't fell like it."

"But you do." Carlos stepped forward and wrapped his younger friend in a tight embrace. "I love you Justin, but you can't do this. You can't."

Justin pushed him away and glared at him. "This is why I can't explain things to you. You don't understand. You don't understand. When I first cut myself on that stupid mirror, I realised that I had control over whether I live or I die."

"You already have that control. You don't need to cut yourself to prove it."

"I do…"

"Justin."

"Carlos, when I chose to become a ranger, I had a purpose. I didn't realize how important that was to me until now… Now…I don't have a reason to go. And you're go back up THERE in a few minutes, so why bother."

Justin's face suddenly started to sting. Carlos had back handed him, hard, across the cheek. But he didn't move. All he was focused on was staying upright and not looking at his lovers face.

"I won't abandon you Justin." He felt hands fall on his shoulders. 'But I wont be able to keep in contact with you twenty four seven either. You have no idea what it's like up there. There's no way I can promise to call you every night. I'm sorry…"

Justin felt tears burning in the corners of his eyes.

"…but promise me something."

Justin looked up at him for the first time.

"Don't give up."

Justin nodded; making eye contact with the one he loved. Carlos kissed him gently on the lips and then teleported out in a shower of black sparks and Justin sank to his knees as his world fell down around his ears.

He knew there would be no contact, no calls, no nothing. Carlos was gone, leaving a gaping hole in Justin's heart in his wake.

He was alone again.

So he picked up a knife… and put it back down.

He would be strong.

Not for Carlos, not for anyone.

He would live… he would go on…

It just wouldn't be the same…

**I put my trust in you**

**streched as far as i can go**

**and for all this theres only one thing you should know**

**I PUT MY TRUST IN YOU**

**pushed as far as i could go **

**and for all this thers only one thing you should know**

**I tried so hard**

**And got so far**

**But in the end**

**It doesn't even matter**

**I had to fall**

**And lose it all**

**But in the end**

**It doesn't even matter**

Key of Darkness: that was written a long time ago and finally it's done. It looks like it's going to be the prequel to _Forward Thinker _as it kind of ties in with it a bit. Let me know what you all think!

Justin: Reviews please… but Flames just feed the fire…


End file.
